Mastering the Art of Not Collapsing When You Feel Like Collapsing

One Friday, I woke up early in the morning and have my Quiet Time. I was very happy because I have learned that God showcases His wisdom and greatness through even the smallest things. Ang verse nag dun ay yung 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says:

 

            But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

 

            At ayun nga ang verse ko for that day, “my power is made perfect in weakness.” After ng Quiet Time ay kumain na ko tapos naligo, etc. Ready na ko sa D.G. namin nila Ate Bang. Syempre excited ako. Papunta na ko sa Mcdo nun from Vista del Rey. Nung nasa grove ako ay nag-palpitate ako. Hindi na ko makahinga ng ayos kaya binagalan ko ang lakad ko. Medyo nahihilo na rin pati ako nun. Nakakagulat lang kasi paggising ko ay masigla naman ako. Nagpray na lang ako, “Lord, help me. Sana umabot ako sa Mcdo ng hindi nagcocollapse.” Tinuloy ko ang paglakad ko. Naisip ko na hinahadlangan ni Satan ang pag-attend ko sa DG namin kaya hindi talaga ako nagpatalo. Pinilit kong makarating sa Vega. Sa wakas nakarating ako ng hindi nagcocollapse. Nakita ko si Kuya Tim sa may tapat ng Copylandia. Naisip ko nga pupuntahan ko siya pag di ko na kaya. Hehe. Pumasok na ko sa McDo. Wala pa sila Ate Bang. Ako lang mag-isa. Huhu. Syempre ako naman pray lang ng pray. Naisip ko nga kung ano ang gagawin ko if ever na hindi ko na talaga kaya e. Lalapitan ko kaya yung ibang tao para humingi ng tulong? Sinulatan ko na lang si God habang naghihintay ako ng kakilala. Kinausap ko lang ng kinausap ang aking Ama. Nanlalambot na talaga ako nun pero tuloy lang ng pagsulat at pagpepray. Medyo naging okay na kahit paano ang pakiramdam ko. Dumating si Kuya Tim tapos may pinabigay lang kay Ate Bang. Haaay… Ang tagal ng oras nung mga panahong yun. Yung pakiramdam mo katapusan na ng mundo mo. Gugustuhin mo na talagang mag-collapse para lang matapos na ang paghihirap mo. After a while ay naging okay na ang pakiramdam ko. Prayer lang talaga ang katapat ng pag-cocollapse ko. Akala ko nga hindi ako makakapasok ng lab namin pero ang galing talaga ni God kasi wala akong subject na hindi napasukan. Feeling ko talaga gusto lang talaga pigilan ni Satan yung pag-attend ko sa DG kasi ang topic namin ay “Finding God.”  

 

            Naalala ko lang yung verse sa aking Quiet Time. Pinagmamalaki ko talaga ang weakness ko na ito kasi dun naipapakita ni God kung gaano Siya ka-powerful at ka-faithful sakin. Always trust God.

 

So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.” -Hebrews 13:6a

"Am I Not Your Child?!"

What should I do? My daddy cannot remember that I’m his daughter. It really hurts a lot to see my daddy in a situation like that. He cannot even remember me. Actually, I did not go to the hospital when mom told me that he cannot remember anyone in the family. I waited for him to recover before I visited him. I don’t know what to do if he cannot even recognize me.

 

            My daddy’s temporary amnesia was due to a blood clot in his brain. The doctor did not explain well what happened to him but he gave us an idea about the blood clot that occurred. He said that it is because of his heart disease. We really don’t know where he got the heart disease because no one in the family has a heart disease, but maybe it’s just not expressed.

 

            My daddy was still studying at Word of Life Bible Institute by the time he got an amnesia. He was called by God to have a full-time ministry by being a pastor. I don’t know what really happened because I am still at my school when my daddy was brought to the hospital. When I came home from school, my sister told me to pray for our daddy because he is in a terrible condition. The two of us were  the only ones left at home because my brother and my mom are in the hospital. I am clueless on what was happening so I just cried and prayed to God to help my daddy. After praying, my mom went home to get some clothes for her and daddy because it will be a long stay in the hospital. I asked what happened to daddy and she said that he cannot remember anything. I just continued praying and asking God why did this happen. God showed me that He is just testing my faith. I have learned that as a child of God, there are so many things that God wanted to teach us. Also, Satan is doing everything to break our relationship with God. Since God taught me to always hold on to His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me, I continued to walk with Him although problems are along the way.

 

            After a long wait and many prayers, my dad recovered from having an amnesia. I went to the hospital to visit my dad. The “amnesia moments” are now memories from the past. My mom was just jokingly asking my dad, “How many are your children and what are their names?” My dad will just laugh because his answer when he had an amnesia was, “Three! Roxanne, Faye and Rap-rap!” Ouch! That hurts, my name was not mentioned. I asked him, “Am I not your child?” but he just smiled at me and I already got the answer. I don’t mind if he can remember my name or not, as long as we are all happy together especially when it comes in serving God.

 

 

            Sad story ba?… I made this as a requirement in Human genetics. I can still remember nung mga panahon na hindi daw ako maalala ni dad. Iyak talag ako ng iyak nun… Feeling ko kasi wala na akong dad. Pero nung mga panahon na yun ay naramdaman ko talaga ang pagiging daddy ni God. Grabe, iba talaga ang feeling. You feel safe. Naalala ko dati, umiiyak ako sa room ng dad ko tapos hug ko yung pillow niya habang nagpepray ako. Bigla kong naramdaman yung embrace ni God. Na-amaze ako nun kasi I am not expecting na makakaramdam ako ng yakap galing kay God na hindi ko naman nakikita. Kinilabutan nga ako eh pero at the same time ay mas nainlove pa ako kay God. Actually hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa rin ang embrace Niya lalo kapag feeling ko ay isa akong failure. Lagi Niyang pinapaalala sakin na nandyan lang Siya sa tabi ko at never Niya akong iiwan kahit iwan na ako ng lahat ng tao sa mundo. Ganun si God. All around talaga. Wala ka nang hahanapin pang iba kapag nasa heart mo si God.  

Wrong Decisions

“Sometimes our decisions will be mistaken and wrong. What should we do then? The important thing is to be sufficiently honest to admit frankly that a mistake has been made and not to bluff it out and go ahead in pride, but to be willing to go back and start again even if it involves some embarrassment.”

            -John Laird

 

            Marami na akong maling decisions na nagawa. Of course I am not perfect but I am in the process of being perfect just like Christ. Although may negative effect na sa akin ang mga maling decisions na yun(lalo na sa isang aspect ng life ko kasi weakness ko talaga), ay sobrang sinikap ko na magsimula ulit at gawin ang tama. Si God naman kasi ay laging willing na magpatawad. Alam ko na masaya Siya dahil sa ginawa ko na pag-admit ng mistakes ko so hindi ako dapat mahiya na mag-start ulit lalo na kung yun ang makaka-please kay God. I am really thankful sa mga pagkakamali na yun and I have no regrets kasi maraming tinuro sa akin si God. Na-overcome ko na yung weakness ko na yun kaya I’m very proud kasi nga I’m growing(hindi nga lang yung height ko, hehe). Since hindi ko na weakness yung isang aspect na yun ng life ko, alam ko na hindi titigil si Satan sa panggugulo sa relationship namin ni God, so I am doing my best para manalo sa battle na ito. I know I will win because “God is with me.” He will fight for me…

P.K. aka Pasaway Kids? 11Aug08

Pasaway Kids… Hmmm… Yun ang kadalasang tawag sa mga Pastor’s Kids, pero bakit nga ba ganun?

           

            I am also a P.K., but I have experienced  being  a normal kid. Si daddy kasi ay ilang years pa lang pastor. Actually, matagal na talaga siyang tinatawag ni God na maging pastor kaso ayaw niyang isurrender   ang work niya at ang position niya bilang Brgy. Councilor. He really loves politics. I can still remember when I was in high school, my dad cried because he knew that God was calling him a long time ago but he didn’t mind it. He was so fulfilled in being a councilor. He asked God for a sign. He asked for mom’s decision. My mom doesn’t want to be a Pastor’s wife because she knew that it will be very difficult for her and for their kids. God is indeed working in our lives because my mom said,”Kung yun ba ang sinasabi ng Panginoon e di sige.” That’s the first time I saw my dad crying. And it’s very heart-warming. But since that day until now, he became really emotional and cries a lot when it comes to the ministry. Lagi nga naming siyang niloloko pag may nangyaring something. Sinansabi naming, “yi, iiyak na yan.” Haha.. he will just smile but with a teary eye. Haaay.. My dad gave up his everything para sundin ang plans ni God for him. That inspired me a lot. I thought that maybe someday I can also do it for God.

 

            I was so happy when dad decided to be a Pastor. It was my dream to be involved in that kind of ministry. I thought that it will be very fun. I didn’t realize that it is really a great responsibility. Syempre magiging leader ka din. I was just a child, so I was not able to think about how hard it is to be a Pastor’s Kid.

 

            There are many problems when dad was studying in a Bible School. May financial problems, yung time with the family nabawasan din kasi nga lagi wala si dad kaya di na kami nakakapamasyal. Pinakamabigat na problem yung pagkakasakit ni dad. Isang week siya naospital at muntik na siyang hindi makagraduate dahil dun. Praise God, my dad graduated and is now a Pastor.

 

            When dad became a Pastor, I had a hard time in adjusting. Buti pa yung iba hindi na kelangan mag-adjust kasi since birth P.K. na sila. Akala ko talaga sobrang dali lang maging P.K. Haaay…. Lahat pala ng tao sa church nakatingin sa family naming. Siyempre dapat kang maging example. Dapat lagi kang mabait, dapat maging responsible ka, dapat maging leader ka, dapat masunurin ka, dapat lagi kang masaya. Hmmmm…. Bawal kang magkamali, dapat perfect ka sa mata ng ibang tao. Wala namang taong perfect eh.. Huhu.. Naranasan naming maging goldfish sa isang aquarium. Yun bang kita ng lahat ang mga ginagawa mo. Tinitingnan nila kada kilos mo. Konting mali sasabihin, “Anak ka pa naman ng pastor.” Syempre it hurts a lot kasi parang wala ka ng karapatan maging mali. Para kang tinanggalan ng karapatan maging tao. Huhu.. Minsan nga umiiyak na lang ako kay God sa tindi ng pressure na nararamdaman ko. Naisip ko kaya pala minsan nagiging pasaway kaming mga anak ng pastor kapag malayo sa church o sa bahay kasi dun lang kami nakakaramdam ng freedom.

 

            Hmmm.. Pero God showed me that He gave me this responsibility. Hindi tao ang nagbigay nito sakin so bakit ko sila dapat i-please eh hindi naman sila ang Diyos ko. Hindi ko dapat sayangin ang opportunity na to para mapaglingkuran si God. Sinabi sakin ni God na mali yung naging perception ko na sa sinasabi ng iba ako makinig. Dapat kay God lang talaga. Kapag kasi kay God lang tayo tumingin, lahat ng ginagawa natin ay magiging joy for us. Walang pressure na mararamdaman at siguradong magagampanan natin ng maayos yung responsibilities natin. Wag pati natin kakalimutan i-check ang laman ng heart natin. Baka kasi mamaya mali naman pala yung motibo natin. Haaay… Always walk with the Lord…

 

            Minsan pag nafi-feel ko na hindi ko kayang mag-lead kasi mahirap at alam kong weakness ko yun, I just pray to God to give me stregth and wisdom. Sa mga Pasaway kids dyan, I mean Pastor’s kids…. O kahit sa mga tao dyan who are serving the Lord, just remember this verse:

 

2 Corinthians 12:19

            My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

 

            Let’s do our best to serve the Lord!!!

I’m a Single Mom 15Aug08 6:45am

Being a single mom is not that easy. Lalo na ngayong nag-aaral pa lang ako… While studying, dapat okay ka din as a mom kasi kung hindi ay mapapabayaan mo ang anak mo. What am I talking about? I did not give birth but I became a single mom last week lang. Nag-start na kasi kaming mag apartment ni Hanee, ang aking younger sister na mas malaki pa sa akin. Bigla tuloy ako naging nanay. Tagaluto, tagalinis ng apartment, taga hugas ng pinggan at kung anu-ano pang gawain ng isang nanay pero single nanay kasi wala naman akong asawa(kahit nga boyfriend wala rin). Pero nakakatuwa kasi at least napapractice ko yung pagiging nanay ko para pagnagka-asawa na ko ay ready na diba. Ang galling talagang mag-work ni God. Binibigyan na talaga Niya ako ng training. Why don’t you try na mag undergo din ng training bilang isang magulang? Sobrang dami nyo talagang matututuhan. Maraming ipapakita sa inyo si God at maiintindihan nyo na hindi joke time ang pagiging isang magulang. Mas maaappreciate nyo ang paghihirap ng parents nyo para lang mapalaki kayo ng maayos. Natuwa nga ako one time nung before umalis si Hanee sa apartment para mag-exam. Nagrequest siya sakin na ipag-pray ko daw siya. Grabe sobrang wow talaga. Kay mom kasi kami nagpapapray before kami umalis ng bahay tapos ngayon ako na ang gumagawa nun. Dun ko talaga naranasan ang pagiging mom. Tapos sabi pa niya i-kiss ko daw siya. Haha, iba pala talaga ang feeling kapag magulang ka na. Simpleng kiss lang sa anak ay tanggal na talaga yung pagod mo. Amazing talaga. Sobrang bait ni God.

            Let’s love and respect our parents kasi someday ay magiging mga magulang din tayo

Coffee Blends… Lub-dub, lub-dub! 12Aug08 11:15pm

Nagmerienda kami ng friends ko kaninan sa offee Blends. Hmmm… Coffee! Sobrang addicted talaga ako dun.. Kaso dati lang. Ngayon, kelangan ko talaga ng self-control. Whenever I drink coffee, ay sobrang nagpapalpitate talaga ako. Yun pa naman yung ayokong feeling kasi may possibility na mag-collapse ako. Na-trauma kasi ako dati nung first time kong mg-collapse. Sana nga last time na rin yun. Hindi talaga ako makahinga nung bago ako mag-collapse kaya pinuntahan ko si Tita. Biglang nagdilim ang paningin ko at bumagsak na ang katawan ko. Ang nasabi ko na lang, “Lord, help me!” Feeling ko kasi katapusan na yun ng buhay ko. It’s so scary. Ganun pala kapag nag-collapse, parang walang maramdaman, walang Makita, walang marinig… I was dead for a while.. Ganun yung naramdaman ko.

 

            Ngayon, kapag nakakakita ako o nakakaamoy ng kape ay naaalala ko yung experience ko na yun. Although hindi coffee ang dahilan ng pagkahimatay ko, iniwasan ko na rin uminom nun. Pero I don’t need to worry kasi hawak ni God ang life ko. I should not fear death because I know that heaven is my final destination. Alam ni God ang tamang oras kung kelan niya tayo kukunin.

Only God knows. Let us not waste our time. Let us do everything to please Him habang may time pa tayo.

 

            May naalala lang akong song at gusto ko siya I-share. Lagi ko siyang kinakanta at sana ma-remind tayo nito na kelangan natin kumilos habang may oras pa tayo.

 

Kailan Pa?

 

Kailan pa ibibigay ang buhay mo’t lakas

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